Discover why age comes first in social context
If you’re learning Vietnamese, you’ve probably been there: you meet someone who looks older than you — but it turns out they’re younger.
So… what do you say?
Vietnamese address terms can feel like a maze. The rules aren’t written down anywhere — but they’re everywhere:
- in families,
- in social settings,
- in conversations,
- in work
- in the way people call each other every single day.
But don’t panic — once you understand the logic, everything starts falling into place. And that’s exactly what I’m here to help you with.
Welcome to the second post of my Vietnamese Addressing Series — where we break down social context rules and tackle this situation:
“A woman looks older than me, but she’s actually younger — how can I address her?”
Vietnamese has a wide range of pronouns, and in social situations, they’re chosen based on the gender and age of both the speaker and the listener. But here’s the tricky part — sometimes age and appearance don’t quite match. In those cases, the simplest (and safest) approach is to prioritize age first.
👉 Golden rule: In everyday life, age is the main factor.
- If she is younger than you → call her em.
- If you’re not sure → call her chị. It’s safer and more respectful.
Vietnamese women won’t feel offended if you call them chị even when they’re actually a little younger. It’s simply a polite way to show respect, especially when addressing strangers.
On the flip side, if you accidentally call someone em when they’re actually a bit older than you, don’t panic or blame yourself. Sometimes people just look younger than they really are — and honestly, they’ll probably feel happy you thought so.
And yes — the same goes for men.
- If he’s younger → call him em.
- If unsure → go with anh.
In short:
When someone feels like they’re in the same generation as you, they look a little older but are actually younger, it’s totally fine to go with anh or chị. This is the safer, more respectful choice.
You can also use em since they really are younger.
Both are okay.
Key note: If someone feels like they’re in your generation, just keep them there. Don’t “jump up” to older titles (like cô, bác) or “down” to very young ones if they don’t fit.
If you want to stop second-guessing yourself when speaking Vietnamese — and start sounding natural in social situations, at work, with your in-laws, or anywhere else, please check out check out my Vietnamese lessons in Can Tho or my online Vietnamese tutoring.
You might also like: Vietnamese Addressing Series #1: Keep Them in Your Generation
❓ FAQ – Learn Vietnamese Addressing
Q1: What is the safest way to address someone in Vietnamese if I don’t know their age?
Use anh or chị. These are polite, safe, and won’t offend.
Q2: Can I switch from chị to em if I find out someone is younger?
Yes — it’s common to switch after you know someone better.
Q3: I’m an expat — should I learn all Vietnamese pronouns?
Focus on the most common ones first (anh, chị, em, cô, bác). This will help you survive most daily situations.
Q4: What if I call someone “chị” and they correct me to “em”?
It happens! Pronouns in Vietnamese can feel tricky at first. A good rule of thumb is to use anh/chị for people who look about your age when you’re not sure. But if someone corrects you (e.g., a woman prefers to be called “em” even if she’s a bit older or vise versus), just follow their lead — it’s about respect and comfort, not strict rules.